• There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK -  FOR MEMBERS ONLY Trespassers will be baptized!
• "No God - No Peace. Know God - Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins."
• "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
• An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."
• When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church  reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
• "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity- Smoking or Non- smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
• "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
• "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
• If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
• "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."
• "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------(U R)
• "In the dark? Follow the Son."
• "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."
• "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

KIDS IN CHURCH:

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service one Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for "Finkelstein, the Tailor."

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him that is a perfect fit. When he asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off: "No, no, there's no charge. But, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something about how your nice robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor."

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein's robes every time he preaches. Some months later, he is
walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein's shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushes his way through the crowd, to speak to Finkelstein.

"Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you've been for business," gushes Finkelstein. "Would you consider a partnership?" "Sure, sure," replies Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is." "Uh, no, no", says Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debate this for some time. Among other topics, they have quite a good theological discussion. Finally, they come to a compromise. The next day, the new sign went up -- Lord & Taylor.

The Dentist's Hymn.................Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn............There Shall BE Showers of Blessing
The Contractors Hymn...............The Church is one Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn.....................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn...................There is a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...........Standing on the Premises
The Optometrist's Hymn....... Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.............I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn..........Send Out Thy Light
The Shopper's Hymn.............Sweet By and By

For those who like speed on the highway - a few hymns for you

45 mph --------------------- God Will Take Care of You
55 mph --------------------- Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph --------------------- Just A Closer Walk With Thee
75 mph --------------------- Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph --------------------- This World is Not My Home
95 mph --------------------- Precious Memories
and over 100 mph ------ Lord, I'm Coming Home